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[Ownage]

It's interesting to see how fast friends and those we spend a lot of time with disappear when times get difficult. I understand that some folks may not know what to say or how to act during periods of loss or grief, but not even a how are you and willingness to listen (even occasionally) surprises me. All of the friends and social network contacts have dried up - except for 1. And he just lost his mother last year.

I'm in the process of losing my father to kidney failure - he has days at most left. Once people found out, the laughs, invitations and check-ins all dried up and it's been pure silence on all comms. Changing Depends diapers is not easy on old timers or for us Gen-X, nor is carrying our parents in our arms from the bed to the shower or the chamber pot for a cleaning. Big respect to nurses and medical professionals who do that successfully and with grace.

Pro-tip: An FYI for GAF or those who haven't experienced grief or loss, if you have a buddy or loved one who's going through it, you may not have any idea what to do or say, but reach out to them - even once - and ask them how they're doing. They will remember it and appreciate you more than you know.

 

[jufonuk]

My Sympathies to you OP. Losing any one especially a parent is not easy.

Forget everything that is going on outside of your bubble. Just take your time spend it with your dad. Just talk with him. Share the time you have. Trust me after he goes you will be searching for memories and well having some fresh nice ones help.

 

[Joramun]

One of my wife's close friends who was a bridesmaid at our wedding has suddenly distanced herself once my wife told her about her medical condition.

People can be horrible.

Just keep getting back up and move forward.

 

[ClanOfNone]

Condolences op, had to watch leukemia take out my dad and seeing him waste away was pure hell on earth.

These types of situations affect everybody differently. Sometimes they’ve experienced similar types of trauma and it makes them apprehensive to be around. Others have never experienced something like this and are just kinda clueless on how to act in these situations.
Lots of people are just plain, selfish assholes, so there’s that too.

 

[ÆMNE22A!C]

This is a complex thread.

Well made.

Elaborate in time.

 

[John Marston]

When dealing with my cancer 6 years ago I noticed a general unease from most people.
I visited work a couple of times just to say hello and except for 2 or 3 colleagues they all looked at me from a distance with awkward smiles.
Like they would catch cancer by getting close to me.

Yes I had lost 40 pounds & looked like a Schindler's list extra but I was still me.
I found out I was the one comforting them instead of the opposite

However my 2 closest and only friends were there for me and that's what mattered the most.

I never held resentment as I understand cancer is still a bit taboo & humans are peculiar creatures.

Good luck to you OP, at least now you know who your true friends are

 

[Winter John]

Look, it’s easy to think the worst especially when you’re going through a bad time, but the thing is most people won’t get in touch because they don’t want to intrude. The best thing you can do is take the first step and call your friends. They’ll appreciate it.

 

[Vyse]

Sorry OP. Friend of mine lost his wife a few months back. Met him for coffee today and he said that I was his only true friend. Reach out to him often as he tries to put his life back together. So sad.

 

[Pejo]

Having lost both parents in my 20s, I definitely empathize with you OP. I think a lot of people just don't know what to do or say in those scenarios which causes them to want to avoid the situation entirely out of discomfort or fear of doing/saying something 'wrong'. Probably a lot of people will read this thread and not comment on it for similar reasons, despite not even knowing you on a personal level. It's partly human nature, but seems to have gotten more pronounced since we mostly talk to each other electronically instead of face-to-face.

Regardless, I am sorry for what you are currently going through. I will say to treasure the last of the time as much as you can, despite it being very difficult for you right now.

 

[FunkMiller]

There are rare circumstances in life where you truly learn who your real friends are. These tend to be when you have a) great success b) great failure c) great loss.

The older I’ve got, the better I’ve understood who my real friends are, and who are the ones you can really do without…

 

[ResilientBanana]

People will reach out in the beginning to let you know that if you need anything to let them know. Sometimes it’s hard to see past the fact that you may need to reach out to them.

People can get caught up in their own busy lives to remember to see how you’re feeling but that doesn’t mean they don’t care. A simple “hello, how are you” may mean so much to you but they may be unaware or haven’t had to deal with this amount of loss to know how it truly feels, unlike your one friend who’s dealt with this before.

I’m one of the friends that hasn’t experienced much loss. I’ll reach out in the beginning, be a listening ear and such and let them know I’m there for them if they need me. If they don’t communicate with me, I assume they don’t. But my next interaction with them I will ask how they are doing and ask if they want to hang out or grab a beer.

All I’m trying to say is, you’re in pain but don’t lose faith in the people that care about you.

 

[Liljagare]

This is why family is so important. Stick with them.

 

[EviLore]

Almost no one in your life is a real friend.

Including most of the people you’ve been there for when things were bad for them.

 

[IntentionalPun]

I feel you.

When Deadwood was cancelled none of my friends even called.

 

[poodaddy]

Just lost my step dad, who was my real dad as far as I'm concerned, a few months ago. Yeah, you figure out who your real friends are quick man.

I'm sorry brother. Nothing prepares us for losing them. They'll always be bulletproof to us, and living a life without them just seems so strange.

 

[Nitty_Grimes]

Fair weather friends I refer to them as.

 

[Artoris]

I thing real friends exist but its not the norm

 

[Romulus]

Not the same, but the revelatory moment for me was when a friend of mine got deathly sick, his fiance left him 8 days later for spring break and fucked several dudes.

Good times. Then she wanted him back after he recovered. He never spoke to her again.

But yeah most people will put themselves first almost always, then others will step up out of guilt.

 

[PanzerAzel]

Condolences to you OP about your dad. Hang tough.

I had a softball sized tumor in my chest diagnosed at 20, so can speak from experience. Hardship quickly reveals who people are. Some run, some come running. Most of my relationships faded, most literally overnight (my co-workers, classmates), some over years for the deeper friendships I had, but much of that was due to a general divergence of commonality in lifestyles that my treatment necessitated. They moved onto careers, having girlfriends that transitioned to marriage and families, and I was in chemo on and off from 20 to around 37. The soul focus of my energies was not progressing my life, it was trying simply to maintain it. When you have no commonality in peership, you are not going to have peers.

Honestly, I can’t really fault people for bailing. Who wants to endure hardship? What does it give people in a relationship? Our lives became so different. There was no relation. Yes, ideally it would be wonderful if people stuck around, but in the end, ultimately only my parents stood by me. I suffer from tremendous trust issues with people now as a result of my illness, I cannot form relationships and tend to push people away if they try to get close. I had to learn to cut people out of my life at an instant, if necessary, which was often unfortunately far too often, and now that I’m past my disease, it’s a self-defense mechanism that unfortunately I am unable to eradicate.

It’s just the way people are. Most are selfish and will look out for numero Uno. I cannot fault them for that. I am past the anger, mostly I’m left with a sad resignation that this is just the way most people live.

 

[Dr.D00p]

Always remember that 'friends' are just people who haven't yet found a reason to stab you in the back.